I AM NOT A CROOK

"What do you do when you're feeling blue-a major war is looming in the horizon thus possibly driving inflation up further than it already is in the country; the nation is going to the dogs with scandal after scandal with apparent abuses but little commitment to resolve them; common people are suffering immensely with spiralling prices of commodities and necessities...?" I was asked.

I replied, "I pray; sing; watch a movie; have great sex or enjoy my past-time activities like going for a long walk by the seaside, do gardening or play either outdoor and sometimes indoor games or even have a good read."

When one is disappointed and disgusted with the current social, economical and political situation in one's beloved country, it is all too easy to want to scream and shout, be they obscenities or curses....Indeed, my psychological reaction which would be great self-therapy to my mind and body and at the same time be in some easy form of comic relief would be not just "Go, fly a kite" but "Go, read a funny book"!

Here's a hilarious excerpt from one of my favorites by the late satirist, Art Buchwald which is in my private library entitled 'I am not a Crook' (New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1973). The book came out shortly after the highly popular 37th president of the United States resigned rather than face a humiliating congressional impeachment from its nation's highest office, the presidency. There had been months of pain, suffering and soul-searching for Americans following revelations of political shenanigans in the infamous scandal called "Watergate" with damaging leaks from a mysterious source known as "Deep Throat" and hours and hours of recordings on audio-tapes and tons of documents.

But before I go further with that, I wish to assure my American buddies out there that I'm not anti-American even though I do share a laugh at the expense of a rare disgraced favorite son of the Republican Party, I'm an admirer of "the grand old elephant" and its ideals, purely because I am convinced I am born a patriot in a foreign land who is convinced it is honorable to serve and even die in defense of a nation's constitution and for king and country (I make it clear absolutely- not in defense of an Islamic state nor a corrupted regime/government). Yeah, if I were an American I would enlist to fight for the just cause of freedom in Afghanistan and Iraq.

If I may add, in my opinion, Watergate, to the credit of the Americans and their belief in democratic ideals, did not result in untimely deaths by suicide or murder, as far as I know.

In Malaysia, I hope no one (PRESENTLY) faces any unforeseen unfortunate consequences in talking about a conspiracy... Say, what's the name of that 'X-Files'-kind of movie again starring Mel Gibson as a seemingly nutty taxi-driver who believes in conspiracies?

To Tell the Truth

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to To Tell the Truth.

"Number one, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"Number two, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"Number three, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"All right, panel. Now I will read the story. "I, Richard Milhous NIxon, am the thirty-seventh President of the United States. I was reelected with one of the largest mandates in American history
After my reelection it was revealed that some of my closest aides were involved in dirty tricks, election fraud, breaking and entering and perjury. Congress is now discussing my impeachment." (Applause)

"Now, panel, only one of these contestants is the real Richard Milhous Nixon.

"Let's start the questioning with Kitty."

"Number one, if someone came to you and told you that they wanted to pay hush money to defendants caught in a Watergate break-in, what would you do?

"I would tell them it was wrong."

"All right, Orson, you're next."

""Number three, it is revealed that on your income tax return, you claimed a deduction of five hundred and fifty thousand dollars for donating your your Vice Presidential papers to the National Archives. But it turns out the donation was made after the law was changed. What would you say to the charges?

"I would say (former U.S. President) Lydon B. Johnson made me do it."

"Number one?"

"I would only say I did what (famous economist) John Kenneth Galbraith has been doing for years."

"Bill?"

Number one, the House Judiciary Committee has asked for tapes and documents to help them in their impeachment hearings. How would you handle that?""First I would tell the American people that I am willing to to cooperate in any way to bring the Watergate matter to a resolution. Then I would tell my lawyer not to turn over my tapes, or documents that he considered would in any way hurt the Presidency of the United States.

'Number three?"

"I would say the house is on a fishing expedition, and I am against fishing expeditions of any kind.

"Number two?"

"I would get (prominent business tycoon) Ron Ziegler to call it a cheap shot."

"Peggy?"

"Number three, at one press conference you said, (Nixon's Chief of Staff) John Dean did not tell you about the hush money being paid to the Watergate defendants. At another you admitted he did. How would you square the two statements with the American people?"

"I would say that people will read different things into what I say. But I'm the only one who knows what I meant."

"Number two?"

"I would call in Senator Hugh Scott and show him new evidence that Dean is a liar."

"Number one?'

"I would announce the end of the oil embargo in the Middle East."

"All right, panel, our time is up. Please vote for the person you think is the real Richard Milhous
Nixon.

'Now will the real Richard Mihous Nixon please stand ... I said will the real Richard Milhous
Nixon please stand up? Come on, one of you is the real one. Hurry up, we're running out of time. There seems to be a mix-up, ladies and gentlemen. No one wants to admit he's the real Nixon.

"Number one, who are you?"

"I am Sarah McClendon*, a newspaperwoman."

"Number two, who are you?"

"I am (disgraced former Vice President) Spiro Agnew, a fiction writer."

"Number three, who are you?"

"I am not a crook."


*I'm not too sure of the identity of this lady-I'll try to find out more about her.