If You were a Powerful Leader...

Further excerpts from a hilarious book, I am Not a Crook (London: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1973) by the late master of satire, Art Buchwald. This sub-title is called National Security, pages 29-31.

National Security
The only way to understand the issue of national security which Richard Nixon raised as his reason for employing his own superspies is to put yourself in his place.

Pretend for a moment that you are President of the United States. Despite all your dreams and hopes for this country, there are still people "out there" who are trying to "get" you. They could be students, blacks, Congressmen, senators, newspapermen, labor leaders or just misguided souls who are trying to destroy the American way of life.

It is essential, if you are to be elected for a second term, to find out who your enemies are and what they are up to.

Unfortunately, the Constitution of the United States with its archaic Bill of Rights does not provide the President with the weapons he needs to find out who is trying to keep him from being reelected.

Yet as a President of the United States it is your duty to find out if there is a conspiracy to keep you from serving four more years and to discover who is behind it.If some other political party took over the government, God knows what would happen to the country we all know and love.

So you do what any strong leader would do. You set up a unit in the White House to devote itself full-time to find out who the traitors are.

The group would involve itself in wiretapping, bugging, reading mail and breaking and entering the offices and homes of those who are seeking to take away your rightful place in history. It may be against the law, but as President you have to deal with realities.

AT first you authorize the CIA, FBI, Secret Service, National Security Agency and Justice Department to take over this illegal work. But when J. Edgar Hoover (FBI Director) refuses to go along with the plan, you become angry and frustrated.

Here you are President of 200,000,000 people, architect of a generation of peace, leader of the richest, most well-fed country that has ever walked the face of the earth, and they won't even let you do a little bugging and burglary on the side.

So you say, "Nuts to Hoover. I'll hire my own plumbers to do the job."

You tell your staff to set up, but keep your name out of it. You also instruct them not to tell you what they're doing just in case the plan goes awry. But at the same time you want to know the names of those who are out to get you.

Once the plumbers go into operation you discover your wildest fears about national security are true. There is a plot to unseat you as President, planned and financed by the Democratic Party. You also discovered there is another plot by Alabama's Governor George Wallace to do the same thing. Never has the country being in worse danger.

You discover through intelligence that the Democrats have set November 7, as the day they plan to overthrow your government.

You have no choice but to get the plumbers to step up their activities.

Everything is going swell, but then through stupidity which you have nothing to do with, some of your plumbers are caught at the Watergate. Now you have a real problem. You can either reveal to the nation why you set up the plumbers unit in the first place, or you can tell your staff to keep the White House out of it.

For national security reasons you choose the latter, hoping for the good of the country Watergate will go away. But because of a prying judge and an irresponsible press the story comes out.

It really gets you mad.

With new revelations coming out every day you are faced with three choices: (A) resign; (B) wait for impeachment (C) tough it out.

If you were President of the United States what would you do?

All the King's Men

One inescapable result from the infamous Watergate scandal is that there were hundreds of jokes cracked about it- perhaps a bit of a humiliation for President Richard Nixon (whom I still admire for his great statesmanship)- much to the merriment of everyone on this dull dying planet we call Earth. The late brilliant satirist, Art Buchwald once penned in his best seller, I am Not a Crook(Connecticut: Fawcett Publications, 1973) a number of tales, all of which are so hilarious that I would almost double over in laughter. Here's an extract from page 28, titled All the King's Men:

Once upon a time there was a king who ruled over a vast land from one ocean to another. Such was his power and wealth that he had a palace in the west, a palace in the east, a palace in the south, and on weekends he had one in the mountains.

The king surrounded himself with a motley group of courtiers who were not above stealing, lying and cheating to keep him on the throne. Many of the king's rich subjects were forced to pay tribute to the palace in exchange for special favors and goodwill.


Although the king knew what his courtiers were doing, he shut his eyes to their behavior because being king was the most important thing in his life.

But alas, one day the courtiers tried to take over a watergate, and this was too much, even for the docile people who inhabited the land.

The king , realizing his subjects were angry, issued a proclamation saying he was appalled by the corruption in his palace, and he would find the guilty people and banish them from his court forever.


He called for the king's prosecutor, an honest and devoted servant, and said, "I want to leave no stone unturned to find the people who have brought disgrace and shame on my kingdom."

The king's prosecutor asked,"Sire, does that mean I may investigate everyone in the palace?"

"Of course. What kind of king do you think I am that would prevent my own prosecutor from rooting out evil in the land?"

The prosecutor took the king at his word and started talking to the counselors in the palace. Each one had a different story to tell, and it was impossible for the prosecutor to know who was telling the truth.

He went back to the king and said,"Sire, we have heard many versions of the same story, but we have no proof as to which one is correct."

The king said angrily, "No proof? What kind of a king's prosecutor are you if you cannot produce proof?"

"We know who has the proof."

"Then drag him here and pull his toenails out."

"This is difficult, sire," the prosecutor said, staring at the king's toenails. "If we could just have your scrolls recording your conversations with your counselors..."

"Have you gone mad?" the king shouted. "I am the king. No one sees my scrolls. They shall go with me to my grave."

"Then," the prosecutor said,"it is impossible for me to find the guilty parties, sire."

"You fool," the king said. "My subjects are angered. If we allow corruption in the palace to go unpunished, they will try to throw me off my throne."

"But what can I do if you refuse to let me see the scrolls?"

"Let me think a minute," the king said. "If I do not produce the scrolls, the populace will believe I am trying to hide my guilt. But, on the other hand, if I produce the scrolls, they will know I'm guilty. Did any king ever face such a dilemma?"

"What is your decision, sire?"

"Alas, I have no choice," the king said. "Guards take this man to the dungeon and chop off his head."

"But sire," the poor prosecutor cried,"why me?"

"We can always get another king's prosecutor," was the reply, "but where can the people get another king?"

Linchpin to Conspiracy

An Extract from John Dean's 1970's best-seller, Blind Ambition, Page 109:

(Both the White House faction and the Justice Department faction had earlier held a meeting to discuss the ongoing investigations into the break in that had been recently exposed by the news media. The author, then counsel to the President, John Dean was on the way to the Justice Department with the Assistant Attorney General, Richard G. Kleindienst.)

"This thing is so goddam stupid I can't believe it!" Kleindienst exploded when when we reached his office. "Breaking in and bugging the damn Democratic National Committee. There's nothing in there but a lot of crap, anyway. Anybody knows that. Dumbest damn thing I ever heard."

Kleindienst walked over to his desk and sat down. He waved his arms to emphasize his dismay. "This fella Liddy (Liddy G. Gordon, former FBI agent, general counsel of the Committee to Re-elect the President) must be crazy! He tracked me down at the Burning Tree Country Club on Saturday after my golf game. He said 'John Mitchell wants you to get the men arrested at the DNC out of jail.' Can you believe it? I told Liddy to get his ass packing. If I'd ever seen a guilty man, it was Liddy. He was rattled and nervous and I wasn't about to talk to him."

So that's the little encounter Dick had with Watergate over the weekend, I thought. Liddy's name had not yet surfaced in the investigation, and I assumed Kleindienst had not reported the incident for fear of implicating both Liddy and (Attorney General) Mitchell. Kleindienst was instinctively on the inside of the problem, too. This strengthened my impulse to confide in him.

I watched him change moods as he stared silently at his desk. "If John Mitchell is in trouble," he stared gravely, "I'll resign before I'd ever prosecute him." He knew where this was heading as well as I did. I decided to trade worries with him.

"Dick I don't have all the facts, but I'm worried. I'm afraid this thing could lead to the President. I don't know if the President is involved, but-"

"God, I hope the President is not involved in this, and that you're not involved."


TO BE CONTINUED...

Fire-fighting (6)

Continuing excerpt from John Dean's bestseller, Blind Ambition (page 35).

"This isn't any problem. I'll take care of it for you with a phone call, " he answered confidently. He returned the next day to report that a tax inquiry would be fruitless because the magazine was only six months old and its owners had yet to file their first return. Being resourceful, however, he had asked the IRS to look into the owners themselves. "You can tell the President everything is taken care of," he assured me.

'I've got a good one for you to pass along to the President," Jack added proudly. His Treasury Department sources had noticed an authoritative article in the U.S.-Mexico drug traffic published by Scanlan's Monthly. It would be excellent background reading for the President's upcoming meeting with Mexican President Diaz Ordaz. I attached a copy of the article to my memo to the President, and was amused to hear that the article was removed before the memo landed on the President's desk. No one in Halderman's office wanted to be responsible for passing along anything from a magazine the President hated so much.

I summarized the tax situation in my report. "The fact that Scalan's is a new entity does not make the tax inquiry very promising," I concluded. "Accordingly, I have also requested that the inquiry be extended to the principal organizers and promoters of the publication." Thus, within a month of coming to the White House, I had crossed an ethical line. I had no choice, as I saw it. The fact that I had not carried out the assignment myself eased my conscience slightly. I had no idea Jack had done it so easily, nor did I ask, and I never found out what became of the IRS inquiry.

Watergate: Firefighting 4

The following passages are extracts from Watergate co-conspirator's John Dean's Blind Ambition, detailing the workings of the Nixon Administration in the Watergate Scandal years.

Murray was testy, or maybe defensive-I couldn't decide. It was clear that he didn't want to discuss the matter further. I thanked him and left. If I was going to play ball in Richard Nixon's league, I would have to get over my squeamishness. I am not sure what I would have done if John J. Caulfield had not walked into my office.

Jack Caulfield could easily have been born in the mind of Damon Runyon instead of New York City. He had moved up the ranks of the New York police force, from a street beat to detective, arriving at the White House after an assignment as candidate Nixon's personal bodyguard in 1968. Bob Haldeman had assigned him to me without telling me why. Caulfield explained that he was White House liaison with the Secret Service and the local police, but his principal assignment was to investigate Senator Edward M. Kennedy's conduct in the Chappaquiddlck accident for John Ehrlichman.


Jack was a bountiful source of information. He knew what everybody was doing. He could tell you how to get a refrigerator or parking privileges and who was sleeping with whose secretary. And he wanted to help me find my bearings. He seemed a natural person to turn to with my IRS orders, and I decided to show him the memos. "How would you handle these assignments?" I asked.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Watergate: Firefighting 5

Continued excerpts from John Dean's best-selling 1976 autobiography, Blind Ambition.

Murray laughed. "Hell, Agnew's got a great idea. I hope he has a good plan worked out. It would save us a lot of trouble if we dispensed with the "seventy-two campaign." Murray wasn't taking my visit as seriously as I was. We joked about (U.S. Vice-President) Agnew for a few minutes before I could get him to focus on my problem, and he had the answer. "If the President (Richard Nixon) wants you to turn the IRS (Inland Revenue Service) loose, then you turn the IRS loose. It's that simple, John."


"I really don't think it's necessary, Murray. The President's already got (Attorney-General) Mitchell investigating it. The FBI, I guess."

"I'll tell you this. If Richard Nixon thinks it's necessary you'd better think it's necessary. If you don't, he'll find someone who does."


I was not convinced and said so, but nicely. "Okay, but let me ask you this, Murray. You're a lawyer. Isn't it illegal and therefore crazy to use IRS to attack someone the President doesn't like?"


"Not so," he snorted. He stopped and retrieved the calm he rarely lost. "John, the President is the head of the executive branch of the damn government. If he wants his tax collectors to check into the affairs of anyone, it's his prerogative. I don't see anything illegal about it. It's the way the game is played. Do you think for a second that (former U.S. president) Lyndon Johnson was above using the IRS to harass those guys who who were giving him a hard time on the war? No, sir. Nor was Lyndon Johnson above using IRS against some good Republicans like Richard Nixon. I'll tell you he damn near ruined a few."


TO BE COINTINUED.

The Watergate Conspiracy 2

FIRE-FIGHTING
Continuation of excerpts from John Dean's fascinating Blind Ambition (W.H.Allen & Co. Ltd, 1977), an eye-opening account of his personal involvement in the infamous Watergate conspiracy...

.... Was it possible that he (President Nixon) had a secret plan to cancel the election and the Bill of Rights? I was embarrassed by the thought. Now I cannot look back at the episode without laughing, but then I was not at all loose about it. It was the President of the United States talking. Maybe he was right.

On the due date I wrote my first memorandum to the President, explaining the hazards of a lawsuit and the wisdom of waiting to see what an FBI investigation produced. I thought the affair had been put to rest. Not so. Back came another action memorandum from the staff secretary. The President agreed with my conclusions, but he wasn't yet content. "It was requested," said the memorandum, "that as part of this inquiry you should have the Inland Revenue Service conduct a field investigation on the tax front."

This was the "old Nixon" at work, heavy-handed, after somebody. I began to fret. How could anything be at once so troubling and so absurd? The President was asking me to do something I thought was dangerous, unnecessary and wrong. I did nothing for several days, but the deadline was hard upon me. I couldn't possibly respond, "Dean opposes this request because it is wrong and possibly illegal." I had to find some practical reason for doing the right thing or I would be gone. I called Bud Krogh several times, but he was out. Then I thought of my recent acquaintance, Murray Chotiner and arranged to meet him.

"I need some counsel, Murray."

"You're the lawyer.You're the one who's supposed to give counsel around here," he said with a chuckle.

"I'm still trying to find the water fountains in this place," I said. "Murray, seriously, I need some advice. The President wants me to turn the IRS loose on a shit-ass magazine called Scanlan Monthly because it printed a bogus memo from the Vice-President's office about canceling the 'seventy-two election and repealing the Bill of Rights."

To be continued...

Deniability in a Conspiracy

One of the most interesting parts of the Watergate story was narrated by one of the top players in the scandal: John Dean, counsel to President Nixon. In his gripping account in his 1977 book, Blind Ambition (London: W.H. Allen & Co. Ltd.) of his first day in the White House, he wrote about his time with the powerful administration of one of the world's greatest statesman, Richard Nixon.
Here is an excerpt from that favorite old book of mine which has been gathering dust all these years:

FIREFIGHTING
The tests started that first day at the White House. ... but then my secretary brought me a sealed envelope with a small red tag. I asked her what it was. She had not opened it; it was stamped "CONFIDENTIAL", and the red tag meant "priority". Someone had been planning work for the new counsel. The cover memorandum was in a printed form, with striking blue and red instructions filled in:

ACTION MEMORANDUM
FROM THE STAFF SECRETARY LOG NO.: P523
Date: Friday, July 24, 1970 Time: 6:30 p.m.
Due Date: Wednesday, August 5, 1970 Time: 2:00 p.m.
SUBJECT: Request you rebut the recent attack on the Vice-President.

An attached "confidential memorandum" said that a new muck-raking magazine called Scanlan's Monthly had published a bogus memo linking Vice-President Agnew with a top-secret plan to cancel the 1972 election and to repeal the entire Bill of Rights. Agnew had publicly denounced the memo as "completely false" and "ridiculous", and the editors of Scalan's Monthly had replied: "The Vice-President's denial is as clumsy as it is fraudulent . The document came directly from Mr. Agnew's office and he knows it." My instructions were clear:"It was noted this is a vicious attack and possibly a suit should be filed or a federal investigation ordered to follow up on it."

"Noted" by whom? Since the memorandum was signed by John Brown, a member of Halderman's staff, I called him to find out. The "noter" was the President. I was told: he had scrawled my orders on the margin of his daily news summary. No one had to explain why the president's name was not used. He was always to be kept one step removed, insulated to preserve his "deniability."

So this is my baptism. I thought I was astounded that the President would be so angrily concerned about a funny article in a fledgling magazine. It did not square with my picture of his being absorbed in diplomacy, wars and high matters of state. Was it possible ...?

May be continued soon if I survive this present conspiracy...???

Watergate Conspiracy: Have a Good Laugh!

Conspiracies can be dangerous for those who are in any way connected to it and history has shown that they can result in awesome consequences for nations and even the world on the whole.

I am not talking about the half-baked, crack-pot Jewish conspiracy garbage. A detailed study and investigation of that conspiracy will yield endless questions and unsubstantiated allegations.

Some of the memorable conspiracies which were not groundless allegations were the French Dreyfuss frame-up, the German Stromberg failed Hitler assassination attempt, the Jim Jones' group killings, 1869 Gould and Fisk's Black Friday and highly possibly Malaysia's May 13 incident based on the May 13 book.

The Watergate conspiracy was a tragic blot in a great nation's history and it resulted in much pain and suffering for those who were involved in it. Ultimately, a brilliant president, President Richard Nixon fell from power, resigning from the Oval Office rather than to face highly likely impeachment by an increasingly furious congress (It was, after all, the time when the world discovered that democracy was alive and well in America, and no one could undermine its Constitution) . He was later pardoned by his successor, Vice-President Gerald Ford.

Nevertheless, there were plenty of jokes about it and some of the wittiest and hilarious satirical works were produced in that traumatic period. Art Buchwald was one of the funny fellows around to write about Watergate.

Here's more rib-tickling stuff from the late satirist Art Buchwald's book, I Am Not a Crook.

MY WATERGATE FANTASY

Everyone has a favorite fantasy after watching the Watergate hearings. I got mine when I watched Tony Ulasewicz** testify how he left manila envelopes filled with $100 bills in phone booths and airport lockers to pay off defendants and lawyers involved in the trial.

My fantasy is that I have to call my wife, so I walk into the lobby of a lawyer's building and head for a public phone booth. I dial my number and get a busy signal. I hang up, wondering how long she'll be on the phone. Then I notice a plain brown envelope taped to the side of the phone. I tear it open and find inside a wad of $100 bills.

I immediately call my wife again. "Remember I told you this morning we couldn't buy any steak for a month? Well, that statement is inoperative. Go out and get six of the most beautiful sirloins you can find." I look in the envelope again. "And you can buy some lettuce, too."

"But we can't afford it," she protests. "I just bought a dozen eggs."

"Don't argue," I say. "We're going to eat steak for a whole week."

I hang up, shove the envelope in my inside coat pocket and nonchalantly leave the booth.

A burly man with a part in the middle of his black, greasy hair comes up to me. "What are you doing with that manila envelope?"

"What business is it of yours?"

"It's my envelope."

"It doesn't have your name on it."

"If you don't give it to me, I'll break your knees with a baseball bat."

Just then a man comes out of the elevator and goes to the phone booth. He searches it and comes out looking puzzled. Then he comes over to the burly man and says, "I thought you told me the legal fee would be in the phone booth."

"It was in the booth," the burly man says, "but this joker took it out, and he won't give it to me."

"There's a law against stealing someone's fee," the lawyer says.

"Show me where there is anything in this manila envelope to indicate this is a lawyer's fee," I reply.

Well, for one thing," the lawyer says nervously, "I always get paid in hundred dollar bills."

"In a phone booth?"

"Our accountant is on vacation." He blushes.

The burly man says, "I better call Mr. Novak." He goes into the booth.

"Who's Mr. Novak?" I ask the lawyer.

"That's the code name for Mr. Kalmbach, the President's lawyer."

The burly man speaks into the phone. "Mr. Novak, this is Mr. Rivers....No, I didn't pay the lawyer because some guy picked up the lettuce in the phone booth before the lawyer got there....The guy won't give it back.... Should we turn him over to the plumbers?.... Well, you better talk to him because I'm going to break his arm.... Hey, Mac, Mr. Novak wants to speak to you."

I take the phone.

"What's your name?" Novak asks.

"Gemstone Sedan Chair II," I reply.

"I understand you found twenty-five thousand dollars in cash in a phone booth."

"That's correct," I reply. "And as a lawyer you should know whatever someone finds in a phone booth belongs to him."

"It does not," he says. "It belongs to the phone company."

"Okay, I'll give the twenty-five thousand to the phone company."

"No, don't do that," Mr. Novak says. "All right, let us for the moment assume the money is yours. Would you be willing to donate it to a defense fund for the poor families and starving lawyers who are trying to help the misguided individuals who broke into the Democratic headquarters early in the morning on June 17?"

"Nope."

"Give me Mr. Rivers again."

Rivers takes the phone. "I gotcha, Mr. Novak.... Let the guy keep the twenty-five thousand and leave another twenty-five thousand in the phone booth for the lawyer.... I'm sorry, Mr. Novak, for the botch-up.... Yes, I agree with you.... There just aren't any honest people in the world anymore."

** Here's what Google says about Tony:

Anthony (Tony) Ulasewicz was one of Nixon's private investigators.

"Ulasewicz achieved fame of a sort during the Watergate scandal, after a virtual lifetime of public service as a cop. Writing with freelancer McKeever, he here fills us in on his background.

Ulasewicz spent time as a beat patrolman in Harlem, then, promoted to detective, worked for
almost 20 years for the New York Police Department's Bureau of Special Services and Investigations. BOSSI's job was to investigate subversion, to infiltrate radical groups and to guard world leaders when they visited Manhattan, especially in connection with U.N.
sessions. Among his cases were the disappearance of an anti-Trujillo Dominican leader, the rise of neo-Nazi George Lincoln Rockwell and a plot to blow up the Statue of Liberty. With Nixon's election to the presidency in 1968, he became a private investigator for the chief
executive, who, he notes, did not trust the CIA, FBI and other intelligence-gathering apparatuses."

Art Buchwald's Hilarious Satire

This is a continuing flashback series into the amazing past when the world was in turmoil with no- nonsense strait-laced communism, led by China and the powerful Marxist Soviet Union. Communism was increasingly seen by the Free World as a worrying dangerous force, both doctrinally and militarily. Thus, the U.S. found itself embroiled in a war against the communists in Vietnam in the bitterly controversial "Viet Nam War". At the same time, in the domestic front, back home in the United States, its popular eloquent president was himself fighting an uphill battle to defend his powerful position in the Oval Office against the opposition Democrats and even some of his own Republicans in their furious pursuit of justice following an illegal covert operation against the Democratic Party by the president's men and the subsequent cover-up by the conspiratorial administration.

The traumatic scandal for Americans was infamously dubbed "Watergate", after the name of the building that was used by the Democratic Party as its campaign headquarters. (Interestingly, Monica Lewingsky, President Bill Clinton's lover, would use one of its apartments as her residence during her exciting internship at the Whitehouse)

Here is an excerpt from Art Buchwald's famous hilarious satirical comments in his best-seller "I Am Not a Crook". Please bear in mind that whatever Brezhnev says in this piece was what the former repressive Marxist Soviet regime's leaders used to commonly practise and encourage in those days.

(Soviet Union President) Brezhnev and Watergate

Communist Party Chief Leonard Brezhnez met with Henry Kissinger recently at the Soviet leader's home outside Moscow. The conversation, naturally got around to the Watergate, and this, in essence, is what was said.

"Gospodin Kissinger, I do not understand all this business about Watergate that is taking place in your country."

"Well, Mr. Brezhnez, it's rather difficult to explain. It appears that members of the President's political party bugged the headquarters of the opposition party."

"What's wrong with that, Gospodin Kissinger? We do it all the time."

"But you have no opposition party."

"That's true. So we bug our own party. You never can tell when our members are up to no good."

"In any case, Mr. Brezhnev, seven men were caught and tried for the crime. One of them confessed that higher members of the President's political party were involved."

"What's wrong with higher members of the President's party finding out what the revisionist counterrevolutionaries are up to?"

"That's the way our people felt about it too. But unfortunately, some newspapermen got wind of the story and started to write about it."

"Why didn't the President put the newspapermen in insane asylums?"

"We cannot do that in the United States, Mr. Brezhnev."

"That's too bad. You cannot have order and discipline in a country if you are unable to put writers in mental institutions."

"That's true. The real problem, though, was that after the Watergate trial, it was revealed that members of the White House staff tried to obstruct justice and try to keep any higher-ups from being implicated."

"Naturally, Gospodin Kissinger. What other choice would they have?"

"In our country the people want to get to the bottom of things. They want to know who is responsible for a crime."

"Even if the president is involved?"

"Yes, sir, even if the president is involved."

"Why didn't President Nixon shoot everyone who had anything to do with Watergate, so that nobody would talk?"

"Some of the people involved were his best friends."

"In the Soviet Union, a leader has no friends. He must do what's right for the people even if it means losing a few bureaucrats."

"We're aware you do have a different system, Mr. Brezhnev, but we must deal with the Constitution. The President has to take responsibility for what his subordinates do, no matter how serious the crime."

"What kind of system of justice is that? The President should torture his subordinates until they confess he has nothing to do with it."

"We've thought of that, but it just wouldn't work in the United States because the Congress would get wind of it and raise a storm."

"Why doesn't the President get the army to arrest Congress?"

"We can't do that, Mr. Brezhnev. The people would never stand for it."

"In our country, we're the people. And we arrest anybody we want to."

"I know, Mr. Brezhnev, I know. Now to get back to your meeting with President Nixon..."

"I'm not sure I want to meet with a world leader who doesn't know how to bug his enemies without getting caught."

Woopie Vs. Watergate

Here's another funny satirical gem from Art Buchwald's book, I am Not a Crook. For other breaking in depth and even salacious news that most of Malaysia's intimidated cowardly local media is too chicken to cover, please drop by Malaysiakini and Malaysia Today, amongst many other blogs with balls. Though I do not agree with all that are in some of these outspoken courageous blogs, I recommend them because their sensible mature and honest opinions and views reflect the reality of what goes on in the country and make everyone realise how much of the rights and freedom that is so cherished by Malaysians under the Constitution have and continue to be eroded with the compliance of many of those whom ignorant or misled voters have elected.

By the way, it won't be long before I join the growing disillusioned and disgusted friends of mine who will be canceling our subscriptions to the local papers. We are not getting our money's worth
in papers that do not report the latest news but which merely serve as the Hitlerian propaganda mouthpieces of others with dictatorial mentalities.

Sex Vs. The Watergate

I don't wish to put down our own Watergate affair, but when it comes to a good government scandal, the British have us beat by a mile. A recent British scandal had to do with sex.

It is the type of intrigue that even a charwoman can understand, having for its major characters Cabinet ministers, lords, dukes and call girls.

While our Watergate investigation has to do with who bugged whom, the British inquiry zeroed in on who slept with whom and for how much. And while the senate drones on endlessly about what one lawyer told another lawyer in the Watergate break-in, the British scandal delved into the motives of why a man of title, wealth and position would pay for pleasure in the arms of a fallen woman.

What makes the British story different from Watergate is that all the major players kept a stiff upper lip. There was no begging for immunity, no taking the Fifth, no threats to implicate others.

When Lord Lambton, Prime Minister Heath's defense under-secretary, was confronted with compromising photographs of himself and a call girl named Norma Levy, he did not say he was doing it on orders from a higher authority. Nor did he explain he took his action to protect national security. He did not hide behind the Union Jack.

He explained it simply on the BBC, when asked by the commentator (and this is an exact quote, which shows you why British TV is so much better than ours), "Why should a man of your social position and charm and personality have to go to a whore?"

"Because," Lord Lambton replied, "I think that people sometimes like variety. I think it is as simple as that and I think this impulse is understood by everybody."

The main fear in the Lambton affair was that state secrets had been divulged during the liaisons. But Lord Lambton squashed that on his BBC broadcast. "Businessmen do not go with call girls to talk of private matters. If a call girl suddenly said to me, 'Please, darling, tell me about the new laser ray,' or, 'What do you think of the new Rolls-Royce developments?" I would have known something was up."

What also makes the Lambton scandal more interesting than the Watergate was that there was more than one lord involved. As a matter of fact, after Lambton, Lord Jellicoe, the lord privy seal in Heath's Cabinet, admitted to having affairs with call girls as well and tendered his resignation. There was also a duke mentioned, and nobody knows how many knights will eventually be involved.

I must say the British newspapers took it very well. They kept the public fully informed on every last detail of the sordid affair, interviewing the call girls in question, the friends of the lords, the wives and everyone else who could shed light on what became the best story since the Profumo affair. As far as British journalism was concerned, there would be no cover-up.

Some Americans in London believe that the British broke the story because they were jealous of Watergate.

"It was pure spite," an American State Department official told me. "Britain knew it couldn't be a major power without a first-rate scandal, and the only way it could top us was to find one with lots of sex in it. We consider the breaking of the Lambton affair at this time as a very unfriendly act."


The only bright side of the story, from the United States point of view, is that although Lord Lambton wiped Watergate off the front pages of Europe's newspapers, its hard to sustain a call girl scandal for very long.

Watergate on the other hand, will probably go on for years. Americans can take comfort that while Halderman, Enrlichman and Mitchell will remain household words for a decade, Lord Lambton, Lord Jellicoe, Duke what's-his-name and Norma Levy will soon be nothing more than a footnote in Britain's long and illustrious sexual scandal history.

I AM NOT A CROOK

"What do you do when you're feeling blue-a major war is looming in the horizon thus possibly driving inflation up further than it already is in the country; the nation is going to the dogs with scandal after scandal with apparent abuses but little commitment to resolve them; common people are suffering immensely with spiralling prices of commodities and necessities...?" I was asked.

I replied, "I pray; sing; watch a movie; have great sex or enjoy my past-time activities like going for a long walk by the seaside, do gardening or play either outdoor and sometimes indoor games or even have a good read."

When one is disappointed and disgusted with the current social, economical and political situation in one's beloved country, it is all too easy to want to scream and shout, be they obscenities or curses....Indeed, my psychological reaction which would be great self-therapy to my mind and body and at the same time be in some easy form of comic relief would be not just "Go, fly a kite" but "Go, read a funny book"!

Here's a hilarious excerpt from one of my favorites by the late satirist, Art Buchwald which is in my private library entitled 'I am not a Crook' (New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 1973). The book came out shortly after the highly popular 37th president of the United States resigned rather than face a humiliating congressional impeachment from its nation's highest office, the presidency. There had been months of pain, suffering and soul-searching for Americans following revelations of political shenanigans in the infamous scandal called "Watergate" with damaging leaks from a mysterious source known as "Deep Throat" and hours and hours of recordings on audio-tapes and tons of documents.

But before I go further with that, I wish to assure my American buddies out there that I'm not anti-American even though I do share a laugh at the expense of a rare disgraced favorite son of the Republican Party, I'm an admirer of "the grand old elephant" and its ideals, purely because I am convinced I am born a patriot in a foreign land who is convinced it is honorable to serve and even die in defense of a nation's constitution and for king and country (I make it clear absolutely- not in defense of an Islamic state nor a corrupted regime/government). Yeah, if I were an American I would enlist to fight for the just cause of freedom in Afghanistan and Iraq.

If I may add, in my opinion, Watergate, to the credit of the Americans and their belief in democratic ideals, did not result in untimely deaths by suicide or murder, as far as I know.

In Malaysia, I hope no one (PRESENTLY) faces any unforeseen unfortunate consequences in talking about a conspiracy... Say, what's the name of that 'X-Files'-kind of movie again starring Mel Gibson as a seemingly nutty taxi-driver who believes in conspiracies?

To Tell the Truth

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to To Tell the Truth.

"Number one, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"Number two, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"Number three, what is your name, please?"

"My name is Richard Milhous Nixon."

"All right, panel. Now I will read the story. "I, Richard Milhous NIxon, am the thirty-seventh President of the United States. I was reelected with one of the largest mandates in American history
After my reelection it was revealed that some of my closest aides were involved in dirty tricks, election fraud, breaking and entering and perjury. Congress is now discussing my impeachment." (Applause)

"Now, panel, only one of these contestants is the real Richard Milhous Nixon.

"Let's start the questioning with Kitty."

"Number one, if someone came to you and told you that they wanted to pay hush money to defendants caught in a Watergate break-in, what would you do?

"I would tell them it was wrong."

"All right, Orson, you're next."

""Number three, it is revealed that on your income tax return, you claimed a deduction of five hundred and fifty thousand dollars for donating your your Vice Presidential papers to the National Archives. But it turns out the donation was made after the law was changed. What would you say to the charges?

"I would say (former U.S. President) Lydon B. Johnson made me do it."

"Number one?"

"I would only say I did what (famous economist) John Kenneth Galbraith has been doing for years."

"Bill?"

Number one, the House Judiciary Committee has asked for tapes and documents to help them in their impeachment hearings. How would you handle that?""First I would tell the American people that I am willing to to cooperate in any way to bring the Watergate matter to a resolution. Then I would tell my lawyer not to turn over my tapes, or documents that he considered would in any way hurt the Presidency of the United States.

'Number three?"

"I would say the house is on a fishing expedition, and I am against fishing expeditions of any kind.

"Number two?"

"I would get (prominent business tycoon) Ron Ziegler to call it a cheap shot."

"Peggy?"

"Number three, at one press conference you said, (Nixon's Chief of Staff) John Dean did not tell you about the hush money being paid to the Watergate defendants. At another you admitted he did. How would you square the two statements with the American people?"

"I would say that people will read different things into what I say. But I'm the only one who knows what I meant."

"Number two?"

"I would call in Senator Hugh Scott and show him new evidence that Dean is a liar."

"Number one?'

"I would announce the end of the oil embargo in the Middle East."

"All right, panel, our time is up. Please vote for the person you think is the real Richard Milhous
Nixon.

'Now will the real Richard Mihous Nixon please stand ... I said will the real Richard Milhous
Nixon please stand up? Come on, one of you is the real one. Hurry up, we're running out of time. There seems to be a mix-up, ladies and gentlemen. No one wants to admit he's the real Nixon.

"Number one, who are you?"

"I am Sarah McClendon*, a newspaperwoman."

"Number two, who are you?"

"I am (disgraced former Vice President) Spiro Agnew, a fiction writer."

"Number three, who are you?"

"I am not a crook."


*I'm not too sure of the identity of this lady-I'll try to find out more about her.