'Hum Sup' Malaysian Humor

I confess that I have been quite ignorant of the sense of humor amongst Malaysians, especially those of the fairer sex. I didn't search for the light and find it ... the light in the guiding hand of a female found me!

Here's a saucy extract of a conversation between two Malaysian women. I'm not disclosing who wrote it or where it's found. I might do so if 50 votes are cast in favor of disclosure!

Before proceeding with the hilarious Malaysian original humor, I want to say that I'm not a sex addict like Michael Douglas who went to Sex Addict Anonymous for help. I just believe sex is good clean fun that God has made for us as a gift to enjoy. I have seen how many persons of different faiths act as hypocrites in publicly condemning, assaulting or persecuting others on moral issues and yet in their private lives are worst in what they do during sex!

Here is the extract...

Two married women talking on MSN.

Woman #1 : i cook dinner jor. waiting lk come back. sked sked mah, must serve properly

Woman #2 : better feed nice nice and full full. if not eat at yilai’s place

Woman #1 : yalor yalor, i told my lk i want to ask the csl wife, what she cooks for him. 61 still going strong, iLike. That time I am 57 liao. LOL.

Woman #2 : wear see thru lingerie whilst serving hoh

Woman #1 : Yayaya, wear Y-shape, crotchless panties. Nay…like those paid posts we wrote? Somemore, hor, sek jor, do on dining table thimmmm.

Woman #2 : eat abalone

Woman #1 : and sausage

And hor, I think all these Wanita movements and their basket weaving, songket making, line dancing and other classes not applicable in this age already. They must go hire some of those Pattaya Tiger Show (since Rose Chan is dead) girls and conduct courses on opening cork. C O R K of the bottle lah! And teach what what eat lollipop and eat icecream skills lah. You say correct or not?

Wa mui lu ai mai nia…..Hahahahaha. Someone kill me already! But when you put two married women together, we have to bitch. Otherwise, how you think we make moolahs all day long and fook si lou kong all night long wor plus jaga anak-anak 24/7 and our dozens of blogs all year long?

Tiu lor, Yahoo labelled my site under pornography. Muahahahar….I am bad.

All the King's Men

One inescapable result from the infamous Watergate scandal is that there were hundreds of jokes cracked about it- perhaps a bit of a humiliation for President Richard Nixon (whom I still admire for his great statesmanship)- much to the merriment of everyone on this dull dying planet we call Earth. The late brilliant satirist, Art Buchwald once penned in his best seller, I am Not a Crook(Connecticut: Fawcett Publications, 1973) a number of tales, all of which are so hilarious that I would almost double over in laughter. Here's an extract from page 28, titled All the King's Men:

Once upon a time there was a king who ruled over a vast land from one ocean to another. Such was his power and wealth that he had a palace in the west, a palace in the east, a palace in the south, and on weekends he had one in the mountains.

The king surrounded himself with a motley group of courtiers who were not above stealing, lying and cheating to keep him on the throne. Many of the king's rich subjects were forced to pay tribute to the palace in exchange for special favors and goodwill.


Although the king knew what his courtiers were doing, he shut his eyes to their behavior because being king was the most important thing in his life.

But alas, one day the courtiers tried to take over a watergate, and this was too much, even for the docile people who inhabited the land.

The king , realizing his subjects were angry, issued a proclamation saying he was appalled by the corruption in his palace, and he would find the guilty people and banish them from his court forever.


He called for the king's prosecutor, an honest and devoted servant, and said, "I want to leave no stone unturned to find the people who have brought disgrace and shame on my kingdom."

The king's prosecutor asked,"Sire, does that mean I may investigate everyone in the palace?"

"Of course. What kind of king do you think I am that would prevent my own prosecutor from rooting out evil in the land?"

The prosecutor took the king at his word and started talking to the counselors in the palace. Each one had a different story to tell, and it was impossible for the prosecutor to know who was telling the truth.

He went back to the king and said,"Sire, we have heard many versions of the same story, but we have no proof as to which one is correct."

The king said angrily, "No proof? What kind of a king's prosecutor are you if you cannot produce proof?"

"We know who has the proof."

"Then drag him here and pull his toenails out."

"This is difficult, sire," the prosecutor said, staring at the king's toenails. "If we could just have your scrolls recording your conversations with your counselors..."

"Have you gone mad?" the king shouted. "I am the king. No one sees my scrolls. They shall go with me to my grave."

"Then," the prosecutor said,"it is impossible for me to find the guilty parties, sire."

"You fool," the king said. "My subjects are angered. If we allow corruption in the palace to go unpunished, they will try to throw me off my throne."

"But what can I do if you refuse to let me see the scrolls?"

"Let me think a minute," the king said. "If I do not produce the scrolls, the populace will believe I am trying to hide my guilt. But, on the other hand, if I produce the scrolls, they will know I'm guilty. Did any king ever face such a dilemma?"

"What is your decision, sire?"

"Alas, I have no choice," the king said. "Guards take this man to the dungeon and chop off his head."

"But sire," the poor prosecutor cried,"why me?"

"We can always get another king's prosecutor," was the reply, "but where can the people get another king?"

The Cyberwaiting Game

Ladies and gentlemen, it is a pleasure for me to announce that the next lucky blogger on my list to be granted a memorable audience with one of our state apparatus is the blogger by the nom de plume Goofy. Goofy is not Goofy; he is a dangerous subversive hell-bent to cause trouble with his dangerous knowledge.

Another ominous name in my book, ladies and gentlemen, is using the nom de plume Mosquito and he will be detained without trial in a bottle in an undisclosed location under the Insect Scum Act for infecting my boss with a vicious near fatal dengue-like infectious disease resulting in a much feverish pain and suffering by him, not withstanding him having many, many sleepless nights. Ya, this annoying Mosquito did the infection from his repulsive infectious offensive blog.

WARNING: Adult Toilet Humor

Entschuldigung, I have this funny stuff which almost made me laugh to death to share! My thanks to J.D. for sharing it with me. WARNING: ADULT HUMOR!

It's crude but then, hey, toilets and toiletry are in the news these days ... We have a number of enterprising fellow animals-I mean persons like Dr. Shit, an engineer by profession, of an African country raking in millions in a business dealing with this messy line of work, shall we say.

Next time you're in the loo, do recall these great writings...Dedicated to Ijau, Albert, Klaus, Buzzy, nozziex, De Caprio, Patrick Teoh, minnie, Ian, Shin, ezri, ummu fatimah (If she ever comes back!), Gina, Terminator, Rapper, Castro, bossy, Tobias, pontianak, Mahound, Batman, Carol, Colombo, Hafiz, Zorba the Greek and all the other contributors/visitors who may be left out here ...

EXCELLENT POEMS FOUND IN TOILET DOORS AND WALLS

How about the one I read in the male toilet wall:
THE 'FUTURE' OF MALAYSIA IS IN YOUR HANDS, HOLD IT GENTLY.

Here's one by a budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie or shall I linger,
or shall I be forced to use my little finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this:
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted.

Someone with a different experience wrote:
You're lucky-
You had your chance
I tried to fart
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
is sit and think.

There are also people who come for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come
here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls.

Toilet walls also double as job advertisements space...
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singaporean Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment Advertisement:
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please.

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at restaurant:
THE HANDS THAT CLEAN THESE TOILETS ALSO MAKE YOUR FOOD.